[6 min read]
In this article:
- Valentine's Day, with its focus on romance, can be challenging for many of us.
- For some, the day fosters feelings of lonliness, inadequacy and failure.
- Practices like limiting social media, focusing on gratitude and making time for those we love can help us build better relationships in every area of life.
- A Providence Swedish behavioral health expert is here to remind us that there are many ways to show, experience and cultivate love.
With its hearts and flowers and images of perfect love, Valentine's Day is a cherished holiday for many. But for others, the day comes with feelings of lonliness, inadequacy and failure. That doesn't have to be the case, says Janarthan Sivaratnam, Ph.D., a Providence Swedish behavioral health expert. With Cupid's day approaching, we spoke with Dr. Sivaratnam about ways to bring more love into our lives and how we can turn Valentine's Day into a celebration of our romantic partners, our friends and ourselves.
What advice do you have for someone who finds Valentine’s Day depressing b/c they are single or struggling with romantic relationships?
It’s natural that sometimes we might feel lonely or isolated on or around Valentine’s Day, particularly given the amount of attention the holiday gets in our society. Fortunately, there are some things we can do to remind ourselves about the qualities in others and in ourselves that are valuable – which can help strengthen our coping:
- Focus on self-compassion. Research has shown that being kind to yourself during difficult times can lead to better emotional well-being. Instead of criticizing your relationship status, consider how you’d treat a close friend who is experiencing something similar. Remind yourself it’s okay to feel what you are feeling without judgement. Remind yourself that your regardless of your relationship status does not have to diminish your self worth. An analogy I like to use is the cake metaphor: a relationship is a cherry on top – it’s nice to have, however, your life and what you cultivate is the cake – and a cake can still be amazing without the cherry on top.
- Cultivate other forms of connection. Particularly when we’re feeling depressed due to Valentine’s Day, our natural tendency may be to isolate, and we know through research that this is often less helpful when it comes to coping with residual depression. Valentine’s Day can become less about romantic relationship and more about celebrating all kinds of meaningful relationships in your life. Plan in advance a hangout or activity with friends who might also be feeling similarly about Valentine’s Day. Volunteer somewhere to allow yourself a moment to get out of your thoughts while also doing something that can make you connected to a purpose.
- Reframe your narrative around love. Throughout the year, even before Valentine’s Day, consider what you want your definition of love to be – for instance, does love need to purely come from a romantic partner or can you foster other forms of love (e.g., platonic love, self-love, and love of hobbies, pets, etc)? Reframing love as something more broad can help reduce feelings of isolation and make yourself feel more open to the other kinds of relationships in your life.
- Start a weekly or daily gratitude journal. One reflection I like to use is the GLAD reflection – something that you are GRATEFUL for, something you LEARNED, something you ACCOMPLISHED, and something that brought you DELIGHT.
- Limit social media exposure. Social media is usually only revealing one side of a single person, topic, or issue – and the same can be said for Valentine’s Day content. It can amplify feelings of loneliness or inadequacy when it seems like “everyone” is posting about their “perfect” romantic moments. It may be helpful to take a break, even if for a day. Consider unfollowing accounts for the day or weekend or setting a timer for your apps, so that once you have been on one for a certain period of time, you are locked out for the remainder of the day. Consider focusing on or finding accounts that positivity, self-love, and personal growth.
How can we be our own valentine, whether its through self-care or showing love to others?
For showing ourselves love:
- Indulge in a comfort activity. Whether that’s watching a feel-good movie, baking your favorite treat, or diving into a hobby you love, take some time to do something just for you.
- Nourish your body. Make a delicious meal or snack that feels like a treat but also nourishes you. This could be a healthy smoothie bowl or an indulgent dessert that brings you joy.
- Engage in movement. Whether it's a relaxing yoga session or a dance party in your living room, moving your body can help you feel more connected to yourself and lift your mood.
- Try some mindful reflection. Take some time to journal or meditate. Reflect on the things you love about yourself, your accomplishments, and your goals.
For showing love to others:
- Write a heartfelt letter or send a text to someone. It could be a friend, family member, or colleague. Expressing gratitude can be a powerful way to spread love. For an extra layer of creativity, consider writing the note by hand or a video message that is more personal!
- Perform random acts of kindness. whether it’s paying for someone’s coffee or complimenting a stranger, small acts of kindness can create a ripple effect and brighten someone’s day. You never know what someone else is going through and a small act of generosity can go a long way!
- Create or share something meaningful. Make a playlist of songs you think a friend or loved one would enjoy, or share a book, movie, or podcast recommendation that might uplift them. It doesn’t have to be much – sometimes knowing that someone else thinks about you periodically can be very powerful!
How can we recenter the importance of strong friendship bonds?
Friendships are foundational for emotional well-being, and nurturing them can bring lasting joy, support, and stability. Here are some ways we can make sure we prioritize and strengthen those bonds:
- Schedule protected time for friendships. Given how busy everyone is tending to various responsibilities, it can be easy for friendships to slip in the background. Consequently, it is not always about quantity but rather the quality of our interactions. I often tell my patients to create protected time in your personal calendar, just like you may for work-related tasks, where you can engage in activities with friends or even send a simple check-in text. Creating protected time reinforces the notion that social interactions are equally important in our lives, just as we would regard work-tasks.
- Create or revisit rituals or traditions. Similarly to creating protected time, having shared traditions—whether it’s an annual trip, a weekly movie night, or a monthly “coffee date”—can really help solidify the bond between friends. It’s something to look forward to and something that can deepen the connection over time.
- Foster vulnerability and emotional intimacy. Friendships thrive when people can be open and vulnerable with each other. Recenter your friendship by actively creating space for real, honest conversations. It can be anything from sharing your personal struggles to discussing your dreams, or simply checking in on how you’re both really doing. Friendships that are rooted in emotional intimacy feel more lasting and meaningful.
- Practice active listening. I can’t tell you how many times I have had patients comment positively on a friend (or myself) who took the time to listen, and not just problem solve. Just hearing someone out with full attention can make a world of difference. One way to practice this is to focus on repeating back what the other person said without using the exact same words – sort of like parroting, except you are using novel words to reflect back what your friend just shared with you.
What ways do strong friendships fortify us that romantic relationships may not?
There is quite a bit of evidence that suggests that strong friendships can provide unique forms of support that romantic relationships may not always offer, and vice versa. Both kinds of relationships are important for our overall health, but with respect to strong friendships, here are just some of the unique highlights:
- Non-romantic companionship. Friendships provide the chance to experience companionship without the expectations that often come with romantic relationships (like emotional dependency or sexual intimacy). This kind of connection can be empowering, as friendships tend to be more focused on mutual interests, shared experiences, and unburdened emotional support. It’s often easier to maintain a sense of individuality and personal autonomy in friendships because there are fewer societal pressures on what the relationship “should” be.
- Greater social support networks. Friendships often allow for a broader, more diverse social support network. Since friends can come from different backgrounds and life experiences, they can provide a wider variety of perspectives and resources. This diverse support can offer more flexibility and options when navigating tough times. In contrast, romantic partners can sometimes limit the social circle or make it feel more insular, especially when there are high expectations placed on the relationship to fulfill all emotional needs. Thus friendships can serve an important part in having additional people to turn-to.
- Emotional Resilience. Research consistently shows that people with strong, supportive friendships tend to have better emotional resilience. They often experience less stress, anxiety, and depression than those without a solid social support system. Friendships provide a sense of belonging and validation that can help buffer against life's challenges in a way that romantic relationships sometimes don’t. Friends are often seen as more neutral sounding boards for emotions and personal struggles, which can help with emotional processing without the added pressure that may come from romantic relationships.
- Trust and shared history. Friendships, especially long-lasting ones, often have a shared history of experiences that can be a unique source of strength. These friends may know you in ways that romantic partners do not, such as through the ups and downs of past experiences. This shared history can create a kind of emotional safety net that’s less susceptible to the insecurities or volatility that might affect romantic relationships, particularly in the early stages.
How can we fortify our romantic and platonic relationships throughout the year?
- Create/prioritize quality time together. Research shows that quality time is a key factor in relationship satisfaction. Whether it’s through shared activities, deep conversations, or simple moments of togetherness, the time spent nurturing the bond is vital. The critical part is to find a cadence that is realistic and sustainable for you.This could mean having a weekly coffee date, a group hangout, or simply catching up on life via phone calls or texts.
- Include regular date nights. Set aside time in our romatic relationships for intimacy and connection.
- Show appreciation regularly. Expressing gratitude for your partner or friends helps strengthen the relationship and increase feelings of love, security, and satisfaction. According to a study by John Gottman, showing appreciation and recognizing each other’s efforts is essential in creating lasting bonds in romantic relationships.
- Compliment your romantic partner. Regularly thank them for their support, and acknowledge their small efforts (like making dinner or planning an outing).
- Acknowledge your friends’ contributions in your life. Whether they help you move, support you through tough times, or make you laugh when you need it most.
- Manage conflict constructively. Conflict is inevitable in any type of relationship, but it’s how we handle it that matters. Research has shown that relationships are healthier when conflicts are handled calmly and respectfully, with a focus on finding solutions rather than assigning blame (though that does not mean the conflict has to be resolved after one discussion).
- Avoid harsh criticism. In both romantic and platonic relationships we should avoid harsh criticism, contempt, or defensiveness. Instead, use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when…”) and focus on resolving issues together. Approach disagreements with a mindset of understanding and collaboration. Be open to feedback and be willing to forgive when mistakes are made.
- Encourage growth and independence. Healthy relationships involve a balance between closeness and independence. Encouraging each other’s personal growth and respecting each other’s autonomy strengthens bonds by fostering mutual respect and trust and can help you feel more connected to others in your life. A great way to do this is by supporting each other’s personal ambitions, whether it’s a career move, a personal project, or a new hobby. Encourage each other to pursue their passions, try new things, or take on challenges. Be their cheerleader as they grow.
- Establish and respect boundaries. Boundaries are a key part of maintaining healthy relationships, ensuring that both parties feel comfortable, respected, and heard. Many studies have indicated that respecting personal boundaries is vital for long-term relationship satisfaction. Respect each other’s need for space, privacy, and time alone. Healthy boundaries help prevent burnout or resentment. Make sure you’re both on the same page about expectations in the relationship. If one person needs space or time apart, it’s important to honor that need.
Why is it important to strengthen our relationships as we get older?
The research is quite extensive and broad on the importance of strengthening relationships as we age. However, as research continues to explore this topic, several patterns have started to emerge with respect to the benefits of social relationships as we age:
- Social connections and longevity. A robust body of research links social relationships to increased longevity and improved physical health as we age. Studies, such as those from The Blue Zones (areas where people live the longest), have shown that maintaining close social ties is one of the key factors that contribute to a longer life. On the opposite side, numerous studies have found associations between social isolation, increased health problems, and shorter life expectancy.
- Mental and emotional well-being. As we get older, maintaining emotional well-being becomes increasingly important, and social relationships are critical in this regard. Numerous scientific journals, including The American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, emphasizes that social engagement helps protect against depression, anxiety, and cognitive decline in older adults. Social support buffers against loneliness, a common issue in older age, which is associated with numerous negative health outcomes, including increased risk of cognitive decline.
- Generativity and intergenerational bonds. As people age, they often become more focused on “generativity,” or the desire to contribute to the next generation. Strong relationships with children, grandchildren, or even younger generations can promote a sense of purpose and legacy. Studies suggest that older adults who have positive relationships with younger generations report feeling more connected and engaged, which benefits both their emotional and physical health.
Learn more and find a physician or advanced practice clinician (APC)
If you are looking for help managing holiday stress or learning to deal with holiday stress, support is available at Providence Swedish Behavioral Health. Whether you require an in-person visit or want to consult a doctor virtually, you have options. You can also connect virtually with your provider to review your symptoms, provide instruction and follow up as needed. And with Swedish ExpressCare Virtual you can receive treatment in minutes for common conditions such as colds, flu, urinary tract infections, and more. You can use our provider directory to find a specialist or primary care physician near you.
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