[5 min read]
In this article:
- For many, the holidays are far from joyful; they're fraught with difficult feelings.
- Anxiety, negative thinking and guilt are common during this festive time of year.
- A Providence Swedish expert has guidance for giving ourselves the gifts of compassion and joy during the winter holidays.
Who doesn’t love holiday time? The lights, the gifts, the food, the get-togethers with friends and family. Just thinking about it gives many of us the warm and fuzzies. But for others, this time of year is exceptionally difficult. It can be emotionally fraught with social anxiety, negative thinking and self-criticism. These feelings are doubly challenging when we’re bombarded with messages of doing the holidays “traditionally” or “right”.
Lots of us struggle with living up to holiday time ideals. But it doesn’t have to be that way. There’s no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday season — or not celebrate it at all. For some guidance about mindfully navigating this time of year, we spoke with Janarthan Sivaratnam, Ph.D., a Providence Swedish behavioral health expert. Dr. Sivaratnam emphasizes the importance of self-care and compassion as the best gifts we can give ourselves during the holidays and throughout the year.
The holidays and especially New Year celebrations make me anxious. I focus on the things I didn’t achieve. How can I stop doing this?
- Practice self-compassion. Research shows that self-compassion—treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend—can significantly reduce anxiety and negative thinking. A key part of this is catching your inner dialogue (a.k.a. what you are telling yourself). Remember to speak to yourself with empathy! Everyone has setbacks!
- Develop a growth-oriented mindset. A growth mindset, a concept popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck, emphasizes the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed over time through effort and learning. A key part of this involves viewing effort and persistence as important factors to success as opposed to pure talent. When setbacks occur, trying to build the habit of always asking yourself “what can I learn from this setback/situation” can allow for directions to focus on moving forward.
- Challenge perfectionism. Ask yourself, “who is telling me I needed to achieve XYZ goals, and were they truly realistic?” Perfectionism is often an unattainable standard, and aiming for progress and overall self-improvement can be more tangible. Consider setting flexible goals with valuable learning experiences within each step of the goal.
How can I stop criticizing myself for enjoying normal holiday activities, like eating delicious food, going out with friends and spending money on gifts?
- Reframe guilt as a positive emotion. While research has shown that guilt can be a helpful emotion that guides us toward more values-aligned behaviors, it becomes problematic when it's disproportionate relative to what we are guilty about. If you are feeling guilty or criticizing yourself for routine holiday activities, use it as an opportunity to check in with your values.
- Ask yourself if you are spending money in a way that aligns with your values. If the answer is yes, remind yourself to focus on it as a normal expression or generosity and connection.
- Regarding food, ask yourself if the experience is adding healthy joy or pleasure to your life. If it is, try to reframe it as a positive experience that is life-enhancing rather than something that needs apologizing for.
- Reinforce the value of social connection. If the pandemic taught us anything, it is that social connection can be a major contributor to overall happiness and wellbeing including a variety of improved mental health outcomes.
- Focus on what makes life meaningful. If you’re spending time with friends or family during the holidays, take a moment to remind yourself that these moments are part of what makes life worthwhile
- Focus on the quality of the interactions with others. Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of the essential importance of time with others. We get caught up in what the activity is or what we’re eating and drinking or giving and getting.
- Take time to reflect on the emotional value of your experience. Practicing a gratitude journal or even jotting down a few thoughts can help you retain why you value the people around you.
I would like to build a community, but I am socially anxious. How can I dip my toe in being around more people without overdoing it?
- Set specific, realistic goals. Thinking about what you want the end result to look like and what the sub-components are in achieving it can help you take small, increment steps towards your larger goal without as much pressure. One acronym that can help is SMART goals – specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and on a timeline – to set yourself up for success in honoring yourself and your goals.
- Find groups or individuals with common interests. Often, thinking about what you enjoy doing in your freetime and finding other people who enjoy similar activities can be a low cost-to-entry way of meeting others. You can also consider shared activities that don’t require as much interaction/conversation (e.g., a climbing gym, book club) where the amount of communication/interaction may be less relative to other activities.
- Focus on the other person. Do you like being listened to? Well guess what – so do most people! Use this to your leverage; if you feel the pressure to make yourself seem interesting, try engaging in active listening where you are curious to what the other person is sharing. Consider asking them questions and making sure they feel heard can help take the attention away from you.
I struggle with a self-care routine. What are some ways I can help keep my commitment to myself?
- Create protected time. Patients often talk about wanting to do more things for themselves but struggle to find time organically throughout their week. In today’s busy world, it’s critical to treat self-care as protected time and block it off as a part of your daily or weekly schedule—just as you would with any work of family priority. If we consider self-care as important to our physical and mental health (which it is), then it becomes just as important as scheduling your doctor’s appointments.
- Stay small and consistent. Literature has shown that it can be more beneficial for your mental health to have routine three-day weekends than to save all your PTO and use it for a larger vacation. Similarly, small activities of self-care, done consistently, can do wonders for our health. Even budgeting a 15-minute walk once per week to start off with can eventually grow into a daily habit. With smaller, consistent self-care activities, it’s easier to hit those milestones (on average), which can serve as a positive reinforcement to keep the behaviors going.
- Be aware of all-or-nothing thinking. I often see my patients make great strides in their self-care, only to have a busy week at work that interrupts their routine, which then makes it difficult to get back into what they were doing. Being mindful of what you are telling yourself (including expectations on what it means to succeed and what it means if you don’t) can help you stay the course even if you have a period of time when you are not engaging in as much self-care as you would like.
- Stay flexible. Given the various demands we all have, what might be sustainable today won’t be true a year from now. Give yourself permission to adjust your self-care routine; it is not a sign of giving up but rather trying to make it something you can do for years to come in a sustainable way.
Learn more and find a physician or advanced practice clinician (APC)
If you are looking for help managing holiday stress or learning to deal with holiday stress, support is available at Providence Swedish Behavioral Health. Whether you require an in-person visit or want to consult a doctor virtually, you have options. You can also connect virtually with your provider to review your symptoms, provide instruction and follow up as needed. And with Swedish ExpressCare Virtual you can receive treatment in minutes for common conditions such as colds, flu, urinary tract infections, and more. You can use our provider directory to find a specialist or primary care physician near you.
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Related resources
Swedish expert Q&A: Navigating holidays after the election
Make joy a priority and relieve holiday stress
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