[6 min read]
In this article:
- In almost every relationship, we have desires and limits for our own behavior and the behavior of others, and generally speaking, we call these boundaries and expectations.
- But sometimes we confuse one for the other; this is when things can go awry.
- A Providence Swedish behavioral health expert sheds some light on the core differences between boundaries and expectations to help us build strong, healthy relationships in almost every sphere of life. Learn more.
If you've ever had the thought that someone else should just "know" what you want in a relationship, maybe you've struggled with boundaries and expectations. At some point, every relationship gets tangled up by unspoken needs and desires. We try to get what we want by managing other people's behavior or we feel guilty because when we don't prioritize others.
At first glance, boundaries and expectations seem similar: they both inform how we connect with others and they shape our hopes for those connections. But they're very different; boundaries are about you and expectations are about others. Understanding their essential differences can make your relationships feel less stressful and easier to navigate.
We spoke with Janarthan Sivaratnam, Ph.D., a psychologist with Providence Swedish South Lake Union Primary Care, about how we can get clear about what matters to us, communicate effectively and build healthier, more respectful connections with everyone in our lives.
How do you define a boundary vs. an expectation?
A boundary is generally about your own limits and what you will do to take care of yourself. It doesn’t try to control the other person—it defines what you’re okay with and what action you’ll take if that limit is crossed. For example: “If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m going to step away from the conversation and come back later.” The focus stays on your behavior and your capacity. Boundaries are self-managed and don’t require the other person to agree in order to be valid.
An expectation, on the other hand, is about what you want or hope someone else will do. It’s outward-facing: “I expect you to respond to my messages within a day,” or “I expect you to be emotionally available when I’m struggling.” Expectations aren’t inherently wrong—they’re part of relationships—but they depend on the other person’s willingness and ability to meet them. When expectations aren’t communicated or are unrealistic, they often lead to frustration or disappointment.
What are some common misconceptions about each?
A common misconception about boundaries is that they are a way to control or change other people’s behavior, when in reality they are about defining what you will do in response to certain situations. People also often think boundaries are selfish or only necessary in unhealthy relationships, but they’re actually a normal and healthy part of maintaining any relationship, including good ones. Another misunderstanding is that setting a boundary guarantees others will respect it; in practice, a boundary is only as effective as your willingness to follow through on your own actions if it’s crossed. Some people also expect boundaries to make everyone comfortable, but boundaries can create discomfort or disappointment while still being appropriate and necessary.
With expectations, a common misconception is that they are inherently negative, when in fact expectations can simply reflect normal hopes for respect, communication, or reliability. People also often assume that unspoken expectations will naturally be understood and met, but this usually leads to misunderstandings.; often times things that end up upsetting us were often due to an expectation we did not know that we had. Another misconception is that if someone truly cares, they will automatically meet all expectations, without considering differences in capacity, context, or communication; someone can care about you and still not meet a specific expectation.
How can past trauma or family history inform our perceptions of boundaries and expectations?
Past trauma and family history can strongly shape how someone understands both boundaries and expectations, often in ways that feel automatic rather than intentional. If someone grew up in an environment where boundaries were ignored, punished, or inconsistent, they may struggle to recognize that it’s okay to have limits at all—or they may feel intense guilt or fear when setting them. In contrast, if boundaries were rigid or used as control (e.g., withdrawal of love, punishment, or emotional shutdown), a person might associate boundaries with rejection or abandonment rather than self-respect. Trauma can also make it harder to trust that others will respect limits, leading to hypervigilance, people-pleasing, or difficulty saying no. If you have read through any of my past blogs, the term “stuck point” might sound familiar and can be relevant in this context – in other words, through past traumas, we overgeneralize certain experiences to becoming “facts” even though they are not necessarily true, and this can happen with our relationship with boundaries and expectations.
Family history also influences expectations by shaping what someone comes to see as “normal” in relationships. If emotional needs were consistently unmet or minimized, a person may develop low expectations and accept less care, communication, or consistency than they actually need. Alternatively, if love was conditional or unpredictable, they might develop heightened expectations for reassurance or availability as a way to feel safe. These patterns aren’t conscious choices so much as learned survival strategies. Over time, they can be reshaped, but it often takes awareness, repeated experiences of healthier dynamics (also called corrective emotional experiences), and sometimes support in learning what balanced boundaries and realistic expectations actually look like.
What are some typical signs that someone needs to strengthen boundaries rather than lower their expectations?
A helpful way to tell the difference is to look at whether the issue is coming from how much you are tolerating versus what you are asking for. When you need stronger boundaries (rather than lower expectations), the core pattern is usually over-accommodation—accepting too much, too often, or at your own expense. You may repeatedly feel drained, resentful, or taken for granted, but still struggle to say no, speak up, or step back. In these cases, the problem may not be that your expectations are unrealistic; it’s that you may not be protecting your time, energy, or emotional space when those expectations aren’t being met.
Some typical signs include difficulty saying no even when overwhelmed, frequently prioritizing others’ needs while neglecting their own, or feeling responsible for managing other people’s emotions. You might also notice a pattern of “explaining away” behavior that consistently doesn’t feel good, or staying in situations where you feel uncomfortable because you don’t want to disappoint others. Another sign is resentment building over time without any change in behavior—often a clue that a boundary needs to be set or enforced. In contrast, if your expectations are the issue, your frustration may tend to center more on mismatch or unmet needs rather than chronic overextension.
What are some positive ways to communicate a boundary, so it doesn’t feel punishing or like an ultimatum?
A boundary tends to feel punishing or like an ultimatum when it focuses on controlling the other person (“you must…”). It feels much more grounded and respectful when it focuses on your own limits, your needs, and what you will do to take care of yourself—without framing it as a threat.
One helpful approach is to use calm, matter-of-fact language that describes your capacity rather than someone’s behavior. For example: instead of “If you keep doing this, I’m done talking to you,” you might say, “I’m not able to stay in conversations when things become heated, so I’m going to step away and come back later.” This communicates the boundary clearly without assigning blame or trying to force compliance. Framing it as something you need and how the other person can help can often be received better than “blaming” the other person. Another key element, though certainly difficult at times, is tone—neutral, steady language tends to feel less like punishment and more like self-definition.
It also helps to pair boundaries with warmth or reassurance when appropriate, especially in close relationships. For instance: “I care about staying connected with you, and I also need some quiet time in the evenings, so I may not respond until the next day.” This combination of connection plus limit helps the other person understand that the boundary isn’t rejection, but a way of making the relationship sustainable. Finally, keeping it simple is often more effective than long explanations—over-justifying can sometimes make boundaries feel negotiable when they aren’t.
How do I know whether I am setting an expectation rather than a boundary?
A useful way to tell the difference is to look at where the “control” lives in the statement.
As a reminder, a boundary is about what you will do in response to something. It generally stays within your control and doesn’t require the other person to change in order for it to be real. An expectation is about what you want or need the other person to do. It depends on their behavior, so it can be negotiated, met, or not met—but you can’t enforce it on your own.
A quick self-check is: “Does this sentence require the other person to act a certain way, or does it describe my response regardless of what they do?” For example, “I need you to text me back within an hour” is an expectation because it depends entirely on their behavior. A boundary version would be, “If I don’t hear back, I’ll assume you’re busy and won’t keep sending messages.” Another check is emotional: if you feel like you’re setting a rule for someone else, it’s probably an expectation; if you’re deciding how you’ll handle your own time, energy, or participation, it’s more likely a boundary.
It’s also normal for healthy relationships to contain both. Expectations often reflect values and needs (“I want honesty,” “I need reliability”), while boundaries define what happens when those needs aren’t met (“If honesty isn’t present, I’ll step back from the conversation”). When things feel confusing, it can help to separate the two: first identify what you need (expectation), then decide what you’ll do if that need isn’t met (boundary).
What do I do if I think someone’s boundary is unreasonable or unworkable in our relationship?
If someone’s boundary feels unreasonable or unworkable, the first step is to recognize a key distinction: you don’t have to agree with a boundary for it to be real. A boundary is ultimately about what someone is willing or not willing to participate in. That means your response usually isn’t about “getting them to change it,” but about understanding it clearly and then deciding what that means for your relationship.
A helpful next step is to ask for clarity and understand the underlying need behind the boundary. Sometimes what sounds rigid at first is actually addressing a deeper concern that can be met in different ways. You might say something like, “I want to understand what’s important to you here—can you help me understand what feels difficult about this?” This shifts the conversation from debating the rule to understanding the need. From there, you can explore whether there’s room for adjustment on either side, or whether alternative arrangements could meet both people’s needs.
If, after understanding it, the boundary still feels incompatible with how you can reasonably relate to them, the focus shifts to your choice rather than their rule. You may need to decide whether you can accept the boundary as-is, adjust your expectations of the relationship, or accept some distance if the mismatch is significant. What’s important is avoiding framing it as “they are wrong for having this boundary” and instead treating it as “this boundary changes what is possible for me in this relationship.”
What’s the best way to respond if someone tells you that you have overstepped one of their boundaries?
We’ve all been there – myself included! The moment can feel uncomfortable, but it’s actually a chance to build trust— many times how you respond matters more than the mistake itself. The goal isn’t to defend your intent; it’s to respect the other person’s experience and show you can adjust.
A strong first step is to acknowledge and take it seriously while avoid getting defensive. Even if you didn’t mean to overstep, their boundary is still valid. Simple, direct responses work best: “Thanks for telling me,” or “I’m sorry—I didn’t realize I crossed a line.” Avoid explaining it away right away (“I didn’t mean to…”), because that can come across as minimizing, even if your intention was good.
From there, show that you’re willing to understand and adjust. If anything is unclear, you can ask respectfully: “Can you help me understand what would feel better going forward?” This keeps the focus on learning, not arguing. With this clarification, understand that the other person may need time to process/clarify what they want. If after they’ve given you feedback, then follow through—boundaries are really built on what happens after they’re stated. You don’t need to over-apologize; consistency and changed behavior matter more.
It also helps to manage your own internal reaction separately. It’s normal to feel embarrassed, surprised, or even a little hurt—but processing that on your own (or with someone else) keeps the interaction centered on respect rather than reassurance. A grounded response might look like: “I appreciate you telling me—I’ll be more mindful of that.” That kind of response signals safety, which makes it more likely the other person will continue to communicate openly with you. A way of reframing boundary feedback when given that I have found helpful is if a person is telling me information about a boundary I violated, they value our relationship enough and it’s important to them to where they believe that I can accommodate what they want.
Learn more and find a physician or advanced care practitioner (ACP)
If you have questions about behavioral health services, Swedish is here for you. Contact Swedish Behavioral Health and Well-Being. We can accommodate both in-person and virtual visits.
Whether you require an in-person visit or want to consult a doctor virtually, you have options. You can also connect virtually with your provider to review your symptoms, provide instruction and follow up as needed. And with Swedish ExpressCare Virtual you can receive treatment in minutes for common conditions such as colds, flu, urinary tract infections, and more. You can use our provider directory to find a specialist or primary care physician near you.
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