[6 min read]
In this article:
- Even under the best conditions, ending a marriage is stressful and anxiety-provoking for every member of the family.
- While there's generally no way to make divorce quick and easy when children are involved, there are some princples that can help ease roadblocks and challenges.
- A Providence Swedish expert has some guidance that can help your family manage and move through this difficult chapter.
Divorce is a rupture that has lasting effects on the entire family. Whether it’s our own relationship or the relationship of a family member or friend, navigating this separation requires support, emotional resilience, sensitivity, and strategic planning to safeguard the well-being of all involved, particularly children.
According to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research, recent data indicates that the divorce rate in the United States was approximately 2.3 per 1,000 people in 2021.
As families face the complexities of dissolving a marriage and reinventing the family, focusing on behavioral health strategies is crucial for achieving the best possible outcomes. Prioritizing open communication and cooperative co-parenting can significantly impact children's emotional and psychological health, helping them to adapt and thrive in new family dynamics.
Research highlights that when parents approach divorce collaboratively, and with empathy, children exhibit fewer behavioral issues and higher academic achievement. Sensitive handling of the transition, acknowledging children’s feelings, and maintaining routines can mitigate stress and promote stability. Parents are encouraged to engage in family therapy and individual counseling to process emotions constructively and develop effective coping mechanisms.
By fostering an environment where children feel supported and valued, families can transition through divorce with resilience and hope, laying a foundation for healthier future relationships. We spoke with Janarthan Sivaratnam, Ph.D, a psychologist with Providence Swedish South Lake Union Primary Care to explore practical advice and emotional support strategies to help empower our family members and friends as they redefine their pathways toward healing and growth.
What are a few strategies that couples can use to maintain effective communication during the divorce process, especially if tensions are high?
Set Clear Boundaries
- Why: Reduces the chance of conflict by keeping discussions focused and appropriate.
- How: Agree on what topics are acceptable, how often you’ll communicate, and preferred methods (e.g., email vs. phone).
Limit Communication to Essential Topics
- Why: Prevents unnecessary emotional confrontations.
- How: Stick to logistics—such as co-parenting schedules, financial obligations, or legal matters—and avoid rehashing past grievances.
Use Written Communication When Needed
- Why: Texts or emails provide a record and allow time to process and respond thoughtfully.
- How: When tensions run high, switch to written formats to avoid impulsive reactions or miscommunications. You may also consider setting a rule of not responding immediately to each other’s messages to give you both a time to pause, process, and then respond
Prioritize the Well-Being of Children
- Why: Shifting focus to shared goals can promote cooperation.
- How: Frame decisions and discussions around what’s best for the kids rather than personal grievances.
What distinguishes a "good" divorce from a "bad" one? How can we strive for strive for the best possible outcome for the family?
The difference between a "good" divorce and a "bad" divorce largely comes down to how the process is handled—emotionally, communicatively, and practically—not just the outcome. A good divorce doesn't mean it's easy or painless, but that it's respectful, fair, and minimizes harm, especially to children and the long-term well-being of both parties. While there are no universal approaches, there are some things to keep in mind that can help increase the likelihood of a “good” divorce:
Maintain Respectful Communication
- Disagreements are managed without hostility or personal attacks.
- Emotions are acknowledged but are not the primary focus of the divorce proceedings
Focus on Resolution, Not Revenge
- Both parties aim for fair solutions rather than “winning."
- Compromise is valued over conflict, particularly when thinking about long-term goals as opposed to re-hashing the past.
Make Child-Centered Decisions
- Children's needs, emotional safety, and routines are prioritized.
- Co-parenting plans are constructive and consistent.
Keep Processes Efficient and Transparent
- Openness with financials, goals, and boundaries.
- Less reliance on litigation, more on mediation or collaborative law.
Maintain Emotional Accountability
- Each party takes responsibility for their healing and behavior.
- Therapy or counseling is often involved in processing emotions constructively.
When is the right time to let family, friends, and colleagues know about the divorce, and what are some guidelines for communicating this news sensitively?
The “right” time depends on your readiness, the stage of the divorce, and who you’re telling—but in general, it's best to strike a balance between personal privacy and keeping key people appropriately informed. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- You and your partner are certain. It’s important not to prematurely announce a split during a temporary separation or if reconciliation is still a possibility.
- You have a basic plan in place. Know your legal or logistical steps (housing, parenting, finances) before looping others in.
- The decision is emotionally manageable: You don’t need to be “over it,” but ideally you have each given yourself a chance to process the significance of the adjustment so you can communicate it to others in the way you truly want.
- You need support. While it can be helpful to reflect first, if you need support, friends and family can’t be there for you if they don’t know what’s happening.
Any special advice for telling our kids?
Tell children early and together, if possible. If you have kids, they should be among the first to know once the decision is finalized from both parents, with a united and age-appropriate message. Here are some general guidelines to keep in mind:
Tailor your message to your audience
- Close friends/family: Offer more context if needed but keep blame and private details minimal.
- Colleagues or acquaintances: Keep it simple and professional, especially if your work life won't be heavily affected.
Coordinate Messaging if Possible
- If you and your ex can agree on what you’ll say to mutual friends, family, or kids, it avoids confusion and drama. This can also include being cautious when either jointly or separately using social media to share.
Avoid oversharing or blaming
- No matter how justified your feelings may be, resist the urge to speak poorly of your ex in public or social settings. It can create awkwardness and erode your own credibility.
Be prepared for mixed reactions
- Some people may be supportive, others awkward, judgmental, or even distant. That says more about them than you. You might consider having a few responses ready if someone reacts insensitively.
Clarify for people in your life how they can help
- People often want to support you but don’t know how. Be honest about what you need, whether it’s emotional support, practical help, or simply just listening to what you have to say. There may be some people who can’t help for various reasons, and that’s okay, too. You can politely decline.
What are the best practices for parents to support their children emotionally and mentally through the changes brought on by divorce?
There are some evidence-based strategies that have been shown to aid in the adjustment of the divorce process for children. Therapy can be a helpful strategy to take if you need any additional support with any of the above elements, or other variables that were not discussed. A therapist – whether they’re a doctoral level clinician, an MFT, or anyone who is qualified and has the appropriate experience you’re looking for – can help you process/explore core concepts such as:
- Clarifying your core beliefs/values
- Processing grief, anger, and shame
- Exploring confidence-building techniques and boundary setting
- Setting and achieving personal goals
Just like with all of the questions in this blog post, there is not a “one size fits all” approach. You know what is best for you and your family, and you can respect that — however you decide to proceed.
Learn more and find a physician or advanced practice clinician (APC)
If you are looking for help managing holiday stress or learning to deal with holiday stress, support is available at Providence Swedish Behavioral Health. Whether you require an in-person visit or want to consult a doctor virtually, you have options. You can also connect virtually with your provider to review your symptoms, provide instruction and follow up as needed. And with Swedish ExpressCare Virtual you can receive treatment in minutes for common conditions such as colds, flu, urinary tract infections, and more. You can use our provider directory to find a specialist or primary care physician near you.
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This information is not intended as a substitute for professional medical care. Always follow your healthcare professional's instructions.
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