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In this article:
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Research shows coming out to their parents and family members is an important milestone for LGBTQIA+ youth that affects their ability to live happily and openly as their true selves. Many parents may want to be supportive, but don’t know what to say or how to respond.
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Active listening, empathy and establishing boundaries with non-supportive family members can help LGBTQIA+ children and teens find their voice and tell their story. Parents should avoid labeling it a phase or questioning their child’s identity.
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Behavioral health expert Ash Choi, MA, LMHC, answers questions and shares tips to help parents build a diverse and inclusive home environment that supports their children’s authenticity.
Coming out to their parents and family members is an important milestone for many LGBTQIA+ children and adolescents. And research shows the response they receive has a lasting impact that can affect their ability to live openly, happily and true to their authentic selves. Many parents want to continue the conversation and offer support and acceptance, but they aren’t sure what to say.
We talked to Ash Choi, MA, LMHC, PMH-C, a behavioral health expert at Swedish Behavioral Health Integration, for answers to some common questions about parenting LGBTQIA+ kids and creating an atmosphere of acceptance and trust.
What is the most important thing a parent should say and do when their child comes out as LGBTQIA+?
A. Regardless of how we perceive our children or any assumptions we might have about who they are or will become, one of the most important things parents can do is to create a safe, nonjudgmental, loving and curious space for the child to share. Keep in mind that this is not about you.
DO
- Thank them for sharing.
- Let them know you love them and want to learn more about their journey.
- Ask questions with a tone of curiosity. Say things like: “How can we help support you? Would you like to talk more about your identity? Is there anyone else that you would like to share this with?”
- Give yourself permission to not know all of the answers. It’s okay to admit to your child that you don’t know; just be sure to let them know you can help them learn more.
What are the common mistakes parents should avoid?
A. It is easy for parents to be caught off guard when children share new and unexpected information with them. Humans are wired to react before we respond. When we look back on previous interactions or conversations, there is likely something we wish we could have said or done differently. Avoid these pitfalls.
DON’T
- Question them.
- Say, “I love you, but I don’t agree with any of this.”
- Suggest that it’s just a phase.
- Say “I knew it,” or “I’m not surprised.” These statements are based on stereotypes, and they diminish what your child is bringing to you.
- Try to find a “cause,” “reason” or “explanation” for their identity.
- Rely on your child to be the expert or have an answer to every question you might have.
How can parents create a safe and supportive home environment for their LGBTQIA+ child?
A. Parents don’t actually need to do much to create safety. It just takes active listening, presence of mind, empathy and love. It is essential for children to know that they can share hard or vulnerable things with their parents and be met with love and acceptance.
Practically speaking, it can also be helpful to create a home environment with a diverse range of books, toys, television shows, etc., that expose children to a wider range of what it means or might look like to be authentically you.
How should parents navigate conversations and situations with extended family, schools or church communities if they are not supportive or openly hostile?
A. If social communities, churches, schools or extended family members are non-affirming, it may be best to draw boundaries with family members — even temporarily — and connect with other families who can relate. There are many affirming churches in the greater Seattle area and beyond. Explore new communities, teams and activities where your child is free to be themselves. Follow your child’s lead and respect what they feel comfortable with.
How should parents address mental health issues that affect LGBTQIA+ youth, such as anxiety, depression and suicide risk?
A. Research shows that gender-affirming care, both medical and social/personal, dramatically improves the mental health and overall wellbeing of gender diverse, transgender and nonbinary children and adolescents. Researchers have found that access to gender-affirming care for children and adolescents can lower the risk of developing or worsening anxiety and/or depression by at least 60%.
The reality is that it is easy for parents to react poorly to their child coming out; we are human, after all. The good news is that having a follow-up conversation with your child to repair any hurt feelings and apologize can build more trust and closeness. The goal is to be thinking about how to provide a space at home where your child is free to be themselves.
Resources
- PFLAG — Peer support group for parents, relatives or friends of LGBTQIA+ identifying individuals
- Family Equality Council — Resources dedicated to advancing equality for the LGBTQ+ community and providing support for families at all stages
- Strong Family Alliance — Parent guides from a program of PFLAG
- LGBT National Help Center — Peer support staffed by trained LGBTQIA+ identified community members,
- Human Rights Campaign — Education and support
Learn more and find a physician or advanced practice clinician (APC)
LGBTQIA+ Care at Swedish believes everyone deserves to live their healthiest lives possible. We use a holistic approach to improve access to comprehensive health care that connects patients directly with experienced care teams and resources. Whether you require an in-person visit or want to consult a doctor virtually, you have options. Contact Swedish Primary Care to schedule an appointment with a primary care physician. You can also connect virtually with your doctor to review your symptoms, provide instruction and follow up as needed. And with Swedish ExpressCare Virtual, you can receive treatment in minutes for common conditions such as colds, flu, urinary tract infections and more. You can use our provider directory to find a specialist or primary care physician near you.
Information for patients and visitors
Additional resources
Expanding access to inclusive, holistic care for our LGBTQIA+ community
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How to talk to your kids about drugs and alcohol
This information is not intended as a substitute for professional medical care. Always follow your health care professional's instructions.
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