[5 min read]
In this article:
- More than 800 people in the U.S. are sexually assaulted each day.
- Among the undergraduate women who responded to a 2019 survey of U.S. college campuses, 16% reported nonconsensual sexual contact in their first year.
- The rape case at Cornell University in New York that's dominating the headlines can be triggering for anyone, but especially for survivors.
- A Providence Swedish behavioral health expert has guidance about navigating conversations about the story with care and sensitivity.
Talking about sexual assault can be difficult for anyone. But for survivors, their loved ones and others who have experienced trauma, high-profile cases like the one currently playing out at Cornell University in Ithaca, NY, can feel especially personal.
The barrage of coverage of the case involving Jane Doe and seven fraternity members has sparked conversations across campuses, communities and social media platforms. These discussions can raise public awareness, but they can also promote misinformation and bring up painful memories and strong emotions.
How we talk about rape and sexual assault matters. Whether you're talking with a friend, family member, colleague or young adult in your life, it is important to approach these discussions with care.
Janarthan Sivaratnam, Ph.D., a psychologist at Providence Swedish South Lake Union Primary Care shares practical, trauma-informed guidance for conversations about rape and sexual assault with teens survivors and caring for your own emotional well-being when these stories dominate the news cycle.
What should I do if someone confides in me that they have been raped?
If someone confides in you that they have been raped, the most important thing you can do is listen calmly, believe them, and offer support without judgment. Thank them for trusting you, then acknowledge that what happened was not their fault and be mindful of the questions you ask during that moment. Simple statements such as, “I’m sorry this happened to you,” “I believe you,” and “Thank you for telling me,” can be incredibly validating. Allow them to share only what they are comfortable sharing and resist the urge to push for details or immediately solve the situation; it’s okay to hold space to sit with that grief without having to immediately resort to problem solving.
It is also important to respect their autonomy and let them decide what steps, if any, they want to take next. You can gently ask how you can support them and provide information about options such as medical care, counseling, sexual assault advocacy services, or reporting to law enforcement, while making it clear that the choice is theirs. If you are concerned about their immediate safety or if they express thoughts of self-harm or suicide, help them access emergency or crisis support right away. Above all, being a compassionate, nonjudgmental presence can make a meaningful difference in their recovery!
How can we be sensitive to a friend, family member, or loved one who is a sexual assault survivor right now? How can we avoid saying the wrong thing?
When someone you care about is a survivor of sexual assault, one supportive thing you can do is create a space where they feel believed, respected, and in control. Listen without judgment, let them decide how much they want to share, and remind them that what happened was not their fault. Survivors often benefit more from compassionate presence than from advice, in part because each survivor’s story is unique to them. Respect their choices about whether to seek medical care, counseling, or report the assault, and avoid pressuring them to take any particular action.
Related to that, avoid minimizing their experience with comments like “At least it wasn’t worse” or making the conversation about your own reactions. Instead, focus on their feelings and needs by asking, “How can I support you right now?” or “What would be most helpful for you?” Being patient, trustworthy, and consistently supportive can help a survivor feel safer and less alone as they heal. Remember, this process can be a form of grief for the individual – grief of what happened, changes to autonomy, and other factors. As such, slowing down, allowing for the complexity of the situation, and letting the friend take up space can be helpful.
Beyond talking about the news story, how can parents — particularly those with teenagers — safely discuss sexual assault, consent, healthy relationships and where to turn if something happens to them or a friend?
Parents can use conversations about current events as a starting point, but the larger goal is to have ongoing, age-appropriate discussions about respect, boundaries, consent, and healthy relationships. Teenagers should understand that consent means a clear, voluntary, and ongoing agreement between people, and that anyone has the right to change their mind or say no at any time. It is also helpful to talk about warning signs of unhealthy relationships, such as controlling behavior, pressure, manipulation, intimidation, or ignoring someone's boundaries.
I have often found that opposed to lecturing a teenager, giving them examples and coaching them to arrive at the age-appropriate answer can be helpful because it is something that they were able to come up with on their own — with a bit of support, of course! Additionally, creating a family environment where teens know they can ask questions without fear of judgment makes it more likely they will seek help if they ever face a difficult situation.
Parents should also make sure their teenagers know what to do if they or a friend experience sexual assault. Emphasize that the assault would never be their fault, that they will be believed and supported, and that telling a trusted adult is an important step. Encourage teens to seek help immediately if they feel unsafe and remind them that supporting a friend does not mean handling the situation alone. Instead, they can listen, express care and concern, and help connect their friend with trusted adults or professional resources. Some of this — such as teaching how to ask for help — should be happening way before a teenager is, well, a teenager. By watching YOU model how to ask for help when you need it, children can pick up on how that can be helpful for them in the future.
News stories like this can spark fear, sadness, or anxiety throughout a community. What are some healthy ways to manage feelings of anger or helplessness?
News stories involving violence or sexual assault can leave people feeling angry, fearful, sad, or powerless, even if they were not directly affected. One healthy way to manage these feelings is to acknowledge them rather than ignore them. Talking with a trusted individual such as a close friend, family member, or a professional mental health clinician can help process emotions and reduce feelings of isolation. I often strongly encourage my patients to take breaks from news and social media coverage when needed, especially if repeated exposure is increasing stress or anxiety – remember, AI algorithms are geared to feed us things it thinks we are engaging in, so we can influence to an extent what is presented to us. Additionally, many people also find that taking constructive action helps counter feelings of helplessness. This might include supporting local organizations that work to prevent sexual violence, participating in community education efforts, checking in on friends and neighbors, or learning more about how to promote safety and healthy relationships. Third, and equally as important, engaging in routine self-care activities such as exercise, spending time outdoors, connecting with loved ones, practicing mindfulness, or participating in enjoyable hobbies can help restore a sense of balance and emotional well-being. Remember – knowing when to disengage in order to take care of your basic needs and prioritizing that does not mean you care any less compared to others!
If you or someone you love needs support, here are some helpful resources:
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), which operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800-656-HOPE) and provides online support.
National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), which offers educational materials about prevention and recovery; and local sexual assault advocacy centers, school counselors, pediatricians, and mental health professionals.
Your rights as a sexual assault survivor - The Washington State office of the Attorney General offers guidance for reporting a rape or assault; finding advocacy; navigating the court system; ensuring children's rights; and more.
If you or someone you love needs mental health support, our caring experts at Providence Swedish Behavioral Health can help. Visit our website to find care near you.
If you require an in-person visit or want to consult a doctor virtually for your health concern, Providence Swedish is here for you. Contact Swedish Primary Care to schedule an appointment with a primary care physician. You can also connect virtually with your doctor to review your symptoms, provide instruction and follow up as needed. And with Swedish ExpressCare Virtual, you can receive treatment in minutes for common conditions such as colds, flu, urinary tract infections and more. You can use our provider directory to find a specialist or primary care physician near you.
Information for patients and visitors
Additional resources
You can help prevent human trafficking
"You don’t have to pretend you’re fine": how to be there for someone with a chronic illness
Helping children feel safe, supported and ready to heal
Can a video game help reduce PTSD symptoms?
This information is not intended as a substitute for professional medical care. Always follow your healthcare professional's instructions.
Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and X.
The Providence app offers world-class health care with human connection
About the Author
More Content by Swedish Behavioral Health Team
