6 min read
In this article:
- Managing conflict is a natural part of every relationship.
- We can stay stuck in damaging cycles that keep our partnerships from flourishing.
- Whether you rarely fight or have been fighting about the same issue for decades, couples therapy can help you healthfully manage relationship challenges.
- A Providence Swedish behavioral health expert has more, including some things to NEVER say during a fight and tips for choosing the right therapist.
We manage conflicts large and small every day. But they can feel especially keen in our romantic partnerships. Sometimes small issues are loaded with strong emotions that can act as kindling when addressing everyday frustrations or more serious issues like finances, sex or child-rearing. The issue is not avoiding conflict, but managing it healthfully.
Janarthan Sivaratnam, Ph.D., a psychologist with Providence Swedish South Lake Union Primary Care offers some insights into handling conflict calmly, choosing the right therapist and why most couples' fights actually have nothing to do with the dishes.
My partner and I never fight. Is that bad? Should I worry?
It isn’t automatically bad if you and your partner never fight — some couples genuinely communicate well, address issues early, and don’t let disagreements escalate. If both of you feel safe expressing your needs, comfortable bringing up frustrations, and confident that you’ll be heard, then the absence of fights can simply mean you repair conflicts before they turn into arguments. In that case, “never fighting” is more like “we handle conflict calmly,” which is a perfectly healthy dynamic.
But it can be worth paying attention to the reason behind the peace. If one or both of you avoids uncomfortable topics, suppresses frustrations, or hesitates to bring things up to “keep the peace,” then the lack of fighting may be a sign of conflict avoidance rather than harmony. That kind of quiet can build resentment over time without either person realizing it. A good test is to ask yourself whether you both feel fully safe and free to voice your needs — if the answer is yes, you’re likely fine; if not, it may be helpful to practice gentle, honest conversations before anything starts piling up.
My partner and I seem to fight about the same things over and over again. How can we break this cycle?
When couples get stuck in recurring fights, it often means the argument isn’t really about the surface topic — it’s about an underlying need, emotion, or pattern that hasn’t been fully named. Breaking the cycle starts with stepping back outside the heat of the moment and trying to understand what the conflict represents for each of you. For example, a fight about chores might actually be about feeling unappreciated, or a fight about communication might really be about feeling disconnected or unheard. If you can each clarify the deeper emotion, like feeling taken for granted, anxiety or needing reassurance, the conversation can shift from a repetitive loop to something more constructive.
At its core, fighting fair is about treating each other with care, honesty, and empathy so that conflict becomes something you navigate together rather than something that harms trust. A helpful analogy I was taught in graduate school is “if my partner is giving me constructive feedback, it’s because they want this relationship to work” as opposed to viewing it as a personal attack – this can help with reframing our interpretation of the argument to better allow for collaboration.
It can also help to establish pause-and-reset rules during conflicts, like taking a short break at the first sign of escalation, agreeing to use “I” statements rather than blame, and focusing on understanding rather than winning. Related to this, a common phrase I’ve heard in pop psychology is to “not go to bed angry” and that could not be further from the truth – often times it can be helpful to have a bit of space to fully process what you want to communicate or to gain perspective on how the issue impacts you before sharing – and sometimes a good night’s sleep can help with that! Ultimately, the pattern changes when both partners feel safe enough to be honest about what they truly need and curious enough to listen to what’s happening beneath the familiar script.
We argue, but I generally feel like one of us is giving in to stop the fight. Is this a problem?
It can become a problem if one of you frequently gives in just to end the argument, because that usually means the conflict isn’t actually being resolved—only paused. When someone consistently sacrifices their needs or opinions to keep the peace, resentment can quietly build, and the relationship can become unbalanced without either person intending it.
Occasional compromise is normal, but if “giving in” feels like the only way to stop a fight, it usually signals that something in the communication dynamic needs attention. A healthier pattern is when both partners feel able to express their perspective, take breaks when emotions get too high, and return to the conversation when they’re calmer and more willing to collaborate. Ultimately, the goal is for both of you to feel heard and respected, not for one person to carry the emotional burden of maintaining harmony. Another thing that is less talked about, but is still important to discuss if it becomes relevant, is when a person’s needs may not be able to be met and what each person in such a situation would want to consider (e.g., couples counseling or if it makes sense to separate amicably, etc).
How should couples handle patterns like the pursuer/avoider cycle?
The pursuer/avoider cycle usually develops when one partner copes with conflict by moving toward it—seeking connection, clarity, or reassurance—while the other copes by moving away to get space, avoid escalation, or regulate their emotions. You can break this pattern not by forcing each other into the same style, but by helping both partners feel safer. The pursuer often needs reassurance that stepping back won’t lead to abandonment or stonewalling, while the avoider needs reassurance that taking space won’t lead to a blow-up or more pressure. Naming the pattern together— this is our cycle, not your fault or mine — can be an important first step because it reduces blame and makes you a team facing the problem instead of adversaries stuck in it.
From there, you both can adopt small, predictable habits that support each other’s needs. The avoider can practice offering gentle signals like “I want to talk about this, but I need 20 minutes to calm down so I can stay present,” which gives space without disconnection. The pursuer can focus on slowing down, expressing emotions with curiosity rather than urgency, and trusting that the conversation will resume when agreed. Over time, these micro-shifts help you interrupt the chase-and-retreat dynamic before it spirals. Ultimately, the goal isn’t to eliminate your differing styles but to create a rhythm where both partners feel grounded enough to stay engaged in the conversation in a way that feels respectful, safe, and collaborative.
What does it mean to “fight fair”?
A good question, but also a question that is super broad! You could consider “fighting fair” as handling conflict in a way that protects the relationship even when emotions run high. It could involve focusing on the issue at hand rather than attacking each other’s character, using “I” statements instead of blame, and trying to understand your partner’s perspective rather than winning the argument. Fighting fair also means staying within respectful boundaries—no name-calling, yelling, or bringing up old grievances just to score points. It helps to take breaks when either of you is overwhelmed, return to the conversation when calmer, and look for solutions instead of trying to prove who’s right.
At its core, fighting fair is about treating each other with care, honesty, and empathy so that conflict becomes something you navigate together rather than something that harms trust. A helpful analogy I was taught in graduate school is “if my partner is giving me constructive feedback, it’s because they want this relationship to work” as opposed to viewing it as a personal attack – this can help with reframing our interpretation of the argument to better allow for collaboration.
What are some phrases we should try to NEVER use during an argument?
Certain phrases tend to escalate conflict, shut communication down, or cause lasting hurt—so avoiding them can make arguments much healthier. For example, absolute statements like “You always…” or “You never…” tend to make the other person defensive and oversimplify the situation. Phrases that attack character—“You’re being ridiculous,” “You’re so dramatic,” “You don’t care about me,” or “You’re just like your mother/father”—shift the focus from the issue to the person, which is damaging and hard to forget.
It also helps to avoid dismissive or shutting-down phrases like “Whatever,” “I don’t want to talk about this,” or “You’re overreacting.” These can make your partner feel unheard or belittled, even if you’re just overwhelmed. Similarly, threats such as “Maybe we should just break up” or “I’m done” (unless you genuinely mean them) introduce insecurity into the relationship and can turn a solvable disagreement into something destabilizing. And finally, avoid scorekeeping lines like “We’ve been over this a thousand times,” or “I’m always the one who…”, which shift the conversation away from resolution. In general, anything that blames, labels, or dismisses is worth steering clear of—focusing instead on specific behaviors, feelings, and needs will keep the argument grounded and healthier.
Can all couples benefit from therapy, even if they are seemingly “happy”?
Yes — most couples can benefit from therapy even if they consider themselves happy and stable. Therapy can act like routine maintenance, giving couples tools to communicate more clearly, handle disagreements before they become patterns, and deepen emotional intimacy. It’s often easier to build these skills when things are going well rather than trying to learn them in the middle of a crisis. Additionally a common misconception is that therapy is “always weekly for years” and this does not have to be the case.
Therapy also provides a neutral space where both partners can explore their needs, values, and expectations with guidance from someone trained to spot blind spots or subtle dynamics that might otherwise go unnoticed. Even happy couples sometimes have small tensions, mismatched habits, or unspoken assumptions that therapy can help them articulate. Many couples say they come out of counseling feeling more connected, more empathetic, and better prepared for future challenges — not because therapy “fixed” something, but because it strengthened what was already good. If you and your partner are curious about couple’s therapy, it can be helpful to reach out to a couple’s therapist for a brief conversation. Many of them offer a free initial consult to see if your goals are a good fit and if it makes sense to work with the given clinician.
Any tips for picking the right couples therapist?
When choosing a couples therapist, it helps to look for someone whose approach matches your needs and communication style as a couple. Start by checking their training and specialties—therapists who work regularly with couples often use structured, evidence-based methods like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method, and having that framework can make sessions feel more productive. It’s also important to keep in mind that the degree itself may not always be the best indicator of goodness of fit – I will be the first to tell you there are many amazing clinicians who don’t have “Ph.D” or “PsyD” after their name. While your goals don’t need to be absolute or finalized, thinking about them as a unit in advance can be helpful.
It’s also important to pay attention to the “fit”: both partners should feel heard, understood, and respected, and neither should feel the therapist is taking sides. A good therapist will create a balanced environment, slow things down when conversations get heated, and help you explore patterns without blame. Practical considerations, such as availability, insurance coverage, cost, and whether you prefer in-person or virtual sessions matter too. As I mentioned earlier most therapists offer a consultation call, and that brief conversation can reveal a lot about their style, how safe you feel with them, provide an opportunity to ask questions you both may have.
How do you know if couples therapy might not be working?
Couples therapy might not be working if the sessions start to feel repetitive without any noticeable movement toward understanding or change. Another sign is when one or both partners feel consistently blamed, ganged up on, or invalidated—therapy should create a balanced, safe space, not reinforce existing power struggles. You may also notice that patterns you talk about in therapy keep happening unchanged at home, even after several attempts to apply new strategies.
It’s also a red flag if neither of you feels motivated or supported to try new behaviors between sessions. Sometimes this means the therapy approach isn’t the right fit, or the therapist isn’t offering enough structure or guidance. And occasionally, therapy stalls because one partner isn’t emotionally invested, whether by choice or not, in the process or is participating only to appease the other. If any of these signs show up, it doesn’t necessarily mean therapy is hopeless—it may just mean it’s time to discuss your concerns openly with the therapist or consider trying a different style, pace, or professional to get the support you need.
Learn more and find a physician or advanced practice clinician (APC)
If you or someone you love needs mental health support, our caring experts at Providence Swedish Behavioral Health can help. Visit our website to find care near you.
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