[5 MIN READ]
In this article:
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Spending a little time thinking through strategies for navigating stressful social situations in advance can help you feel confident in the moment.
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Recognize that you cannot control other people’s conversations, but you can control the way you respond.
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When in doubt, listen first and then lead with empathy and kindness when you respond.
Swedish expert Q&A: Navigating holidays after the election
The holidays are a time to come together with loved ones — but feeling anxious about big gatherings with family and friends, especially after a long time apart, is normal. Many families are made up of people with different life experiences, worldviews and opinions about politics. This can make election year holidays feel more stressful than festive.
To help navigate the emotional waters of holiday gatherings, we spoke with members of the Integrated Primary Care Behavioral Health team at Swedish: Janarthan Sivaratnam, Ph.D., Maeve O’Leary Sloan, Psy.D., and Dolat Saleh, M.D., LMHC. They shared some strategies for party prep that can help protect our mental health and make the holiday season as positive as possible.
Q. What can we do ahead of time to manage pre-holiday and pre-party anxiety?
Sivaratnam: “Our thoughts can often be more catastrophic than how scenarios play out in real life. So, before you attend your family event, ask yourself what kind of thoughts you are having about the gathering. Note them and then try to identify what is objectively the most likely outcome of your worries as well as any pieces of counter evidence. This practice can help you catch, check and change your thoughts. Practicing thought diffusion before the event and analyzing the pieces of evidence that might be contributing to anxiety-related thoughts can help you feel better prepared once you are faced with stressful situations.”
Saleh: “I encourage patients to keep it simple; validate your feelings of anxiety and then ‘check the facts’ of your stressful thoughts. Are they based on past experiences? A therapist can help you find activities to deescalate your anxiety, such as slowly increasing your exposure to social gatherings.”
Sivaratnam: “You may also find it helpful to remind yourself why you’re putting yourself in the stressful scenario in the first place. Remembering the values that are motivating you to attend a stressful situation, whether it be a family event or otherwise, can serve as a source of comfort that can help you cope when you experience stressors.”
Q. How can people manage in-the-moment anxiety at a party?
Sivaratnam: “Some of the easiest ways to reduce anxiety are grounding techniques that activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the part of our nervous system that calms us down. Techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and the five senses technique (especially outdoors) can help regulate the physical sensations of anxiety. Once you learn these techniques, most of them can be done silently without attracting attention at gatherings.”
Q. How can we help others experiencing social anxiety and holiday stress?
Saleh: “It is a huge challenge for people with social anxiety to show up to events. When we make the effort to normalize personal stress and sensitivity, and be more compassionate and validating of people’s presence and experiences, we can make it a little bit easier for them.”
Sivaratnam: “Yes, one of the hallmarks of social anxiety is the fear of being judged by others, or fearing that we will be perceived negatively because of our anxiety. Demonstrating a nonjudgmental mindset can help ease people’s worries.”
Q. Everyone has hopes and expectations for the holidays. How can we make space for each other during this time of year?
Saleh: “Communication is key. If you have ideas and opinions about how to celebrate, ask directly and nicely. Try sending out an invitation with RSVP options for people to share personal preferences. Some families start an online message board or chat room where everyone can share personal needs and wishes without fear of being judged. Just remember to be open, communicate positive intentions and try to accommodate personal needs.”
Q. What can we do ahead of time to help us set boundaries with difficult people in social situations?
Saleh: “Boundary setting is a skill that needs to be learned, and a therapist can help with role playing and exposure in an imagery or modeling format. Just one consult appointment with a behavioral health expert can give you a variety of options tailored to you.”
Sivaratnam: “Get clear on your own boundaries and identify hard boundaries versus flexible boundaries. This will help you enter situations knowing what you are okay with versus what is unacceptable. Then decide on an exit strategy so if a hardline boundary is violated you do not need to come up with one in the moment. And revisit your boundaries regularly — check in with yourself periodically after a visit with friends or family and see what worked well and what you might want to change.”
Q. How can a party host prepare for guests with strong and differing opinions and perspectives?
O’Leary Sloan: “When planning a party or event, consider all who will be in attendance and set some ground rules. This may require engaging in one-on-one discussion with guests before the event, setting your intentions for the party and clarifying your boundaries.”
Saleh: “Yes, openly communicating expectations in advance is helpful. Send invites with a nice, direct note addressing the value of different opinions and requesting that guests focus on the important reasons for gathering: spending time with the people you love, honoring family traditions and remembering those who are no longer with us. If politics is not on the table, clearly communicate that.”
O’Leary Sloan: “If possible, you can also set up a variety of spaces for people to sit so they can step away if they need to. Board and card games, as well as party games, can serve as lighthearted distractions. If you are serving a meal at a large table, create a seating arrangement that places like-minded individuals near one another to keep the peace.”
Q. What are some tips for redirecting heated, awkward or inappropriate conversations?
Saleh: “First, understand that other people’s conversations are something you have no control over. Arguments and disagreements may or may not happen.”
O’Leary Sloan: “What you can do ahead of time is practice assertive communication with someone you trust so you can feel confident if you need to object or intervene. Then lead with kindness, empathy and respect, try not to fuel the flame, and focus on your shared humanity. You can also make an exit plan — it’s okay to walk away from a conversation if you’ve set boundaries and they aren’t being respected. Get up from the table, go outside for fresh air, get a glass of water and, if needed, you can always leave.”
Sivaratnam: “If you do find yourself in a heated conversation, grounding techniques can be helpful. You can also simply suggest pausing or taking a break to get a drink or a bite to eat. If you continue to engage, acknowledge the other person’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Statements like ‘it seems this issue is really important to you,’ or ‘I see you’re really passionate about this topic’ can often diffuse the intensity of emotions.”
Q. What if we find ourselves saying the wrong thing, or putting our foot in our mouth?
O’Leary Sloan: “Take a moment and check in with yourself. Pause to reflect and consider how you’d like to move forward and then decide if it is something you want to let go of and move on from, or something you would like to acknowledge and address with the people who were present. If you choose the latter, be vulnerable, honest and open to feedback.”
Saleh: “Unintentionally offending someone is another thing that might happen, and when you recognize it based on the situation, you can debrief your emotional challenge by writing about it in your journal, meditating or going for a walk. If you have the opportunity, you can talk about these feelings in the safe area of therapy.”
Learn more and find a physician or advanced practice clinician (APC)
If you are looking for help managing holiday stress or learning to deal with holiday stress, support is available at Providence Swedish Behavioral Health. Whether you require an in-person visit or want to consult a doctor virtually, you have options. You can also connect virtually with your provider to review your symptoms, provide instruction and follow up as needed. And with Swedish ExpressCare Virtual you can receive treatment in minutes for common conditions such as colds, flu, urinary tract infections, and more. You can use our provider directory to find a specialist or primary care physician near you.
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